What does that even mean? This blog is a transparency of my own thoughts being processed to understand why I come across individuals who state this very sentence. “Love” can be an incredibly subjective idea. Cultures and countries view this concept differently and it seems impossible to pinpoint one universal definition. The American idea of love can be used and interpreted in so many different ways. Misconceptions of love can include passionate love vs. simple love, romantic love vs. non-romantic love, choosing to love vs. falling in love. I love my coffee and I love my dog, but the two are incomparable. I love my husband and I love my friend, but only one of these is romantic. I loved my ex-boyfriend and I love my husband, so what was the factor that isolated the love that brought me to marriage? Often, I find that people are afraid that there is only one person out there for them (a soulmate) who could pass by in the blink of an eye. The reality is that plenty of people in the world could be your life partner, but you may not get to meet all of them or other factors can get in the way. How are you going to decide if/when marriage is for you with what partner?
Before I got married, I tried on wedding dresses at only one place and ended up buying the first one I put on. The next morning I cried, because I thought “what if I could’ve found something better to wear?” My friends reminded me that plenty of dresses would have looked good on me and it finally hit me. I chose this dress for a reason and I committed to it because I loved it. I needed to learn how to love it all over again and that is exactly what I did.
Now this is a simplified analogy of how I view love in relationships. You chose your partner for a reason, but years later they have changed and so have you. What do you do about that? Here is a list of questions I think could be helpful:
1. What did I first love about them?
2. What do I love about them now?
3. How do I view love and how does my partner view love?
4. What are the perpetual problems in our relationship that may never be solved?
5. What do I need from my partner and am I actually communicating that to them clearly?
6. How has our relationship changed and how do we adapt?
7. How can we grow together moving forward?
Love can be a feeling, an action, a promise, and so much more. When you tell your partner “I love you” that could be a different message from your partner saying, “I love you”. If you’re reading this ten years into your relationship and think, “Well my partner should know what I want by now.” Just stop right there, because that could be absolutely false. Here’s a secret: They might have no f***ing clue what you want so you might as well just tell them. I mean, do you really know what they want? Have you asked?
Feeling unhappy in your relationship means you might need to do something different which is up to you to figure out. It might mean you need to spend more time together, manage your depression, manage finances differently, go on vacations more, go to couples therapy, have sex more often, have sex less often, or maybe even break up. The biggest question I can finally ask before you walk away is can you walk away knowing you did everything you can to stay in the relationship? You can’t control how your partner plays their role in the relationship, but you can control yours.
I hope that, if anything, this blog left you with some food for thought around how you perceive love. Do you see it as a feeling, action, choice, religion, state of mind, or…? How can you choose your partner not only the day you said it, but every day after?
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